Table Manners (in progress)

Whole books have been written on dining etiquette, so if you're serious about being the perfect diner, that's the place to look. However, if you just want a quick outline, or you're really just interested in not looking like a shmoe at a nice restaurant, the following tips will keep you from being considered classless. And as an extra added bonus, it will keep your servers happy, which in my book is ALWAYS a good thing.

1) Napkins: Your napkin goes on your lap as soon as you sit down at the table. It's horribly annoying for your server if they're trying to place something in front of you, but your napkin is in the way. If you get up from the table mid-meal, etiquette dictates that the correct place to leave it is on your chair, but neatly folded on the table is appropriate as well. It's simply gross to leave your dirty napkin crumpled on the table for your dining partners, servers and neighboring guests to look at, and it's definitely not cool to put it on top of the remains of your food, because your server has to deal with the mess.

2) Glassware: Beverages belong on the table at your right side. Keep in mind that food should technically be served from the left, so keeping your glassware on the right clears the path. If your server is having problems reaching your glass, it's okay to slide your glass to a more accessible position for pouring and then slide it back into place on your right. Please don't lift your glass for service, as it's sadly reminiscent of Oliver Twist.

3) Stemware: Champagne flutes, wine glasses and the like are meant to be held by the stem. Not only is this for temperature-controlling purposes, but no one wants to see your paw prints all over the bowl of the glass. This is especially true if you are not planning on using the clean glassware that was preset on your table, as your server probably goes through a significant amount of time and effort keeping those glasses polished.

4) Bread: Bread & Butter plates belong on your left side (remember this if you are seated at a round table!), and should remain on your left side.

Part one of the bread story is that etiquette tells us to never bring to your mouth a piece of bread larger than one bite. This means putting a dollop of butter on your B&B plate, tearing off a bite-sized piece of bread, buttering that piece, sprinkling a little salt on it if the butter is unsalted, and putting it in your mouth.

Part two of the bread story is that in most fine dining restaurants, it is NOT ABOUT the bread. [One particular exception that comes to mind is Joel Robuchon at the Mansion in Las Vegas where they have a stunning bread cart and the most amazing bacon bread one could ever imagine!]

Putting these two parts together: it's tacky to put the bread plate right in front of you and start diving in. And finally, the clincher is that the server is about to bring your first course to the table, and it is highly likely that his or her hands will be full with two plates. That means he or she does not have an extra hand to move your bread plates back into proper position so that the food can be set in front of you, which leads to an irritated server.

5) Silverware: Simply put, used silverware does not belong on the table. It belongs on your plate if you're going to set it down, and when you are finished with your dish, it should placed together with the handles pointing to 4 o'clock. Proper fine dining service dictates that empty plates be removed from the right side, so the 4 o'clock positioning is used so that servers can easily remove everything in one fell swoop with their right hands by holding the silverware firmly in place on the plate with their thumbs.

(to be continued)